Taps for Earthlings, Part 4

Me
I had posters printed telling everybody. I made speeches in the parks.
Boss Tunney
That’s so exciting!
Me
I sent letters to reality TV shows and to the UN. But nobody paid any mind.
Sam
I like your nerve.
Me
I wrote the whole thing up for a magazine and they printed it and sent me a check and told me if I had any more fiction they’d be glad to run it.
Boss Tunney
Must be like the dreck you send me.
Me
I kept trying to tell everybody the truth about the catatonics, how we ought to go to the hospitals and get ourselves let in and have the aliens take over and show us where we’re going. Bupkus, nada.
Sam
You ain’t management material after all.
Me
Nobody would listen, and then finally I went back out to Glendale.

* * * * * * * * * *

Keys
Oh, Mr. Locke, we were wondering when you’d come visit your wife.
Me
I have been away, now I want my old room back.
Keys
But you’re perfectly normal.
Me
Give me half hour to talk about my alien pals and you’ll be glad to get me my room.
Keys
Oh Mr. Locke!

* * * * * * * * *

Me
Okay, Mr. Sports and Rackets, I’ll give you all the rest of the dope on fantasy baseball yearly player forecasts.
Alien Two
We won’t have any trouble, will we?
Me
Then you’re convinced my little experiment is all over?
Alien Two
You believe you failed?
Me
I’m not a dummy. I know when I’m licked.
Alien Two
So do we, Mr. Locke. Naturally you have no way of detecting the effect you’ve had. We do.
Me
Unfortunately for me.
Alien Two
The result is that because of your experiment we are gladly revising our policy.
Me
Sure. This is a rib, right? I could tell nobody listened to me.
Alien Two
Oh but they did! Visits to the catatonics have increased considerably.
Me
But, but how?
Alien Two
When the visitors were alone with our human associates they tentatively followed the directions you gave them in your article.
Me
Seriously?
Alien Two
Not all, only those who feel as strongly about being with their loved ones as you do about your wife. We’ve accepted four voluntary applicants.
Me
You mean I made it?
Alien Two
That’s right. Before long we shall have to increase our staff as the numbers of voluntary applicants explodes, and then we’ll be able to release the first group to go back and carry the message, Mr. Locke.
Me
Then…
Alien Two
You and your wife are free to leave.
Me
Okay! But I’ll tell you what, I owe you plenty. I’ll help make that record before I go. I’ll teach you how to dope out the player predictions, if that’s what you want.
Alien Two
Yes.
Me
All right then let’s go! The sooner we get started, the quicker I can get back home with Elena! I have a column to write.
Alien Two
I’ll go with you and your spouse when we’re done. I’ve been learning how to tap dance!